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Why I Got Breast Implants, Why I Had Them Removed, and What I Have Learned As A Result of My Experience May 2001 To anyone reading my story, I have been bandying about ideas in my head for what this piece would consist of for a long time now and have finally decided on the Reader's Digest version of the events surrounding the 12-year period that I had implants and my decision to have them removed without replacement. There is much I want to say, but a website forum is not the place for the novel that I feel I could write, so I will do my best to touch on the things I feel most compelled to share and make my email address available to anyone who wants to know more. Everything I have written is from the perspective of my 20/20 hindsight and wanting to pass along what I have learned in hopes that my experiences will, one, provoke questions on your part should you be considering breast implants for yourself; or, two, address issues you may be having if you are considering explant. With those things in mind, here is a brief synopsis of the 12 years that have reshaped not only my breasts, but my perception and appreciation for the body I was born with. Why I got Implants: I have always struggled with body image issues. When I was 26, weighing 110 at 5'5", I naturally had small breasts, in proportion to my small body! I had full A's and wore a size 2. But I couldn't seem to shake the feeling that "if only I had fuller breasts, then I would feel good about myself."
After referrals from several friends to a particular surgeon, I paid my $3,200 and soon awoke to my new full B's. As well as the biggest nightmare of my life. Why implants did not give me the satisfaction I was seeking: From the very beginning, I felt that my new additions were simply not "me." At 240 cc's (not big by most women's standards) I felt that they were too big on my body and threw off my entire look. For example, I could no longer buy size 2 dresses because I was now a size 6 or 8 up top. If I bought separates, a 6 or 8 blouse was huge across the shoulders and back. I looked and felt like a freak. Where most women post-BA are buying sexy tank tops and t-shirts, I was buying sweatshirts and baggy jackets in an effort to hide my body. For the next 12 years I would wake up thinking, "What have I done to myself?" Along with the realization that the only way out was more surgery, more money. Two things happened when I got implants. Along with the disappearance of my small breasts came the disappearance of my sense of style. I could no longer wear the types of clothes I was used to because I was too self conscious. Secondly, the term "body issues" took on a whole new meaning. With implants, I attracted the most unwelcome kind of attention from men so I began doing my best to "dress down." The result was a frumpy, dowdy me. I felt matronly and awkward, even allowing myself to gain weight. It wasn't long before my posture reflected my "new" self-image and I began slouching forward in an effort to hide my $3,200 mistake. Besides being dissatisfied with my
appearance, I also did not like the way implants felt. After 6 months, they began to get hard and within one year
I had developed capsular contracture. At that point, I was no longer comfortable hugging people because I felt
they most certainly could feel the two tennis balls on my chest. Sleeping on my stomach had also become a luxury
of the past. I lived with hard implants for five years because I was so afraid of what my breasts would look like should I have them removed. A second surgeon suggested replacing them with smaller implants, telling me that to have an explant without replacement would result in saggy breasts, something a 33-year-old woman with no children should not have to have. I couldn't have agreed more and reluctantly agreed to try it again, believing that I had no other options. Once again, the capsular contracture returned and I found myself with another set of tennis balls adhered to my chest. I lived with them for 6 years. The Decision to Explant In December of 1999 I decided that I had had enough of living with something I so hated. The fantasy about having my own body back had been with me for quite some time, and I soon realized that I was prepared for a third and final surgery on my tired, weary breasts. Through research, I found that a breast lift was a good option after removal of implants (and I silently wondered why this option had not been mentioned to me 6 years before). It would restore the shape of my breasts, yet I would still have my natural body. My surgeon of choice for this final surgery was Dr. Lu-Jean Feng, world-renowned for her work in breast implant removal and silicone detection in the body. Because my implants were textured, I knew there was a good chance that they had adhered to the tissues in my body. I knew if anyone could restore my breasts, it would be Dr. Feng.
Explant: I cannot begin to describe the complete, utter joy I felt at awakening after four hours of surgery to the feeling of my own, soft, natural body! The sensation was indescribable and I can still feel it to this day. I embraced the feeling of my small breasts and silently wept at the needless trauma I had put them through over the course of the past 12 years. For the next three days, I wore the post-surgery bandages, curious as to what my breasts looked like, but at peace with the fact that, no matter what they looked like, I knew I had made the right decision. The day the dressings were changed, Dr. Feng let me take a peek. I can still feel the emotions I felt then as I stared into the mirror at the beautiful, small, perky breasts that Dr. Feng had restored to near perfection. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt more gratitude than I can ever remember feeling. I had gone into this last surgery not knowing what to expect, aware only that my body had suffered needlessly these past 12 years and now was the time I had hoped to make amends. Dr. Feng had brought me home to the real me and I was almost speechless.
The lessons I have learned through this experience are many, too many to share here. But my hindsight is clear on some very basic issues. Implants were not the answer to my self esteem issues. Through therapy and time, I have come to learn that true, genuine self-confidence is something that is cultivated from within. My body issues are still with me, but I have come a long way towards self acceptance and it is based more on who I am on the inside as opposed to what I look like on the outside. However, I do not regret getting implants in the least because I feel the lessons I have learned have come about because of my experience with breast implants. Only by undergoing this ordeal and finding no satisfaction, was I able to learn what I so desperately needed to learn. A true appreciation for my body is also what I have come away with. Only by doing battle with those foreign, hard objects on my chest have I been able to appreciate my body for the miracle it is. The gift of soft, natural breasts is precious to me! My deep gratitude: I will be eternally grateful to Dr. Feng for, first and foremost, listening to me speak and not suggesting, as other surgeons did, more implants. I will never forget her words to me when I was waking up from surgery: "You have beautiful breasts. You never needed those things." It is because of her kindness, compassion and skill as a surgeon that my breasts have been restored beyond my highest expectations and I am now free to move forward with my life. If you are considering explant: I hope that, by sharing my story and photos, you will be encouraged with your decision, as well as less fearful of the unknown. As I mentioned earlier, I am happy to share more details of my experience if you would like to email me privately through the explantation.com website. Sincerely, |
