"I am no longer afraid of storms..." Phyllis's Story Sadly, Phyllis took her own life on March 30, 2002. Here is her story that she posted (unedited) for us on September 26, 2000. May she rest in peace. We will miss her terribly. From: "Phyllis " <Filisann@cs.com> Date: Tue Sep 26, 2000 9:11 am Subject: My Story I guess I kinda just jumped on here and read all the info but never really posted my story. I am so so grateful for all I have learned from you girls. I'm 55 years old so my story isn't short--I had silicone implants in l978 (McGhan) for cosmetic purposes only. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time. I had a few friends really pleased with the results and I was just young and stupid, I guess. I'll have to admit it did boost my self esteem at the time. Only now do I realize that I should have been working on what's on the inside of me and not on the outside. When I think back, I started having problems pretty soon after that. My right side formed a scar capsule and was broken by closed capsulectomy in l983. I remember going to the doctor for chest pains and my legs feeling like they weighed too much but they told me I was depressed. I developed the "hump" on the back of my neck that the doctors said was lovingly called a "buffalo hump"--was tested for Lupus around l987 at which time we found positive ANA but not Lupus. This doctor sent me to someone else that ran lots and lots of tests but found nothing. I developed osteoarthritis problems, especially in my hands--Later, just about everywhere. My Mother has arthritis so I thought it was just my turn. I'm still not sure I wasn't already in line for the arthritis. In l984 my right ovary ruptured. It just blew up! I came close to bleeding to death internally. Received 4 pints of blood and 2 plasmas. In l993 in a routine mammogram my right implant showed a large rupture. Silicone outside the capsule. After talking to three doctors who said that saline was perfectly safe I decided to have them replaced with saline. I would like to blame my PS for all my problems but I think he did inform me of the dangers. It would seem like it would be like me trying to blame someone for getting me pregnant. I did this to myself! Anyway, now I think I'm safe because I took care of the problem and I have saline. So I go about my business as usual, thinking I'm OK. I was working at Caesars Palace and had been for 30 years. I started having some really weird feelings in my head--couldn't remember the simplest things. Felt like at times my head was falling-had episodes where I felt like I couldn't walk and was going to fall down. Sometimes walking I felt like my feet were not touching the ground. Numbness in my left hand and arm, felt like ice water running in my left leg, spider web feeling on my face.---Saw another doctor who did some tests and sent me to a neurologist---She did all the tests, MRI showed a couple of small hyperintense spots in the white matter of my brain. Had some really bad problems with my neck and was diagnosed with cervical spondylisis. Problems with tail bone diagnosed as coccydynia. Had some physical therapy and cortisone shots for the pain. They have tested me twice for Lupus and MS. ANA count is 1:320 In July on l998 I was so exhausted everyday I finally quit my job thinking I was just too job stressed. I couln't sleep!!! I decided to give myself a break and then find another job. Well------two weeks later I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and told I would die with it. I have no words to explain how depressed i became. I had felt so bad for so long, I just knew I was dying and the thought of my family having to watch that was too much for me to bare. Having quit my job I kinda lost my idenity and my self worth. I took myself to a 'shrink' because I was so depressed. I am still taking Prozac and Remeron to help me sleep. Hopefully, I can get off of them someday. The onocologist now has told me that what I have is a "sister" to leukemia. "Something" has over excited my immune system. My skin burns, my ears ring and I have these really irritating twitches. I have a referral to UCLA to see a neurologist and an immunologist but I postponed them until November cause I decided to see what the outcome of the biopsy was and to have my implants out first. My last mammogram showed a spot that needed to be biopsied so I decided to have my implants out at the same time. The doctors did not recommend this, I just decided I think it is the problem and I want to try to help myself. I feel certain I made the right decision. I am determined to get better. I have been reading the posts here and from Ilena's group since February and I feel I have learned lots. I have read everything I could on Leukemia, Lupus, MS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue etc.I think God sends us in certain directions to get us to where he wants us to be. I am much happier with myself than I was a couple of years ago. Some really really hard personal work to get where I am now. Implants were removed last Wednesday and I am feeling fine. Just taking it easy for a while. I am left with 'some' boobs. Not much but I can live with that---I'm happy to be alive. Hopefully I will be able to get much better and help someone else. It's a disaster that implants are still being allowed. Everytime I see a young lady with obvious implants, my heart goes out to her. I don't ever want to forget the miserable way I have felt--I want to be able to pass the word! ````````````````````````````````` I am no longer afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my own ship.-- L. M. Alcott ````````````````````````````````` What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.--Emerson Peace and Love to you all, Phyllis:-)